May 5, 2011

I am feeling really tired today.  I think I slept alright but I just feel like I have no energy.  I had another dream last night...but this time it was that my cousin found a little baby outside who was being neglected and I took her in to take care of her...

It is so interesting because during Lent I decided to not look at any photo listings of children available for foster or adoption.  I did this for two reasons. The first was because we had committed to these two little kids that we are still considering.  The second was because it is EXHAUSTING.  Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.  It is a long, exasperating, depressing, exciting, emotional process.  Today I read an article about a gay couple who has successfully adopted TWELVE children from foster care.  The kids came to them at various ages and many of them are siblings.  The saddest part is that they live in AZ and that state won't even allow them to adopt the children as a couple.  They were awarded an honor from the state for doing such a great job but the same people who gave them the honor and award are the very people who put forth the measure to be sure they cannot marry and cannot both adopt the children.  It is just unreal to me.  I don;t know of any other couple who has taken in - and so successfully made a beautiful life for- 12 children... Bless their hearts. Wish they gave me some tips! 

What I found most striking about the article is that they never said no to a single child they fostered or adopted.  They have fostered over 40 children and adopted 12!... They said in the beginning people would ask them if they were sure they wanted to adopt this child or the other because they had mental retardation, behavioral issues, etc... They never turned a single child down.  What I found most beneficial about the whole article was one of the guys said, "The papers always make the kids seem worse than they are".  This is what our adoption worker told us and so to hear it from a couple who has run the gamut on children they have adopted was secretly relieving. 

We still have no word from the foster mom... Wonder what could take 2 weeks... Or longer than 2 weeks actually.  I understand the lengthy time for the kids' caseworker because she has so many cases...but why so long for this foster mom to answer about 10 questions.  Patience.. I know.. .Patience.

Last night as Kara and I were talking before bed she started to cry.  It just really touched my heart in such a powerful way.  She said she didn't expect to fall in love with these kids- both of them- so much this fast.... She said she is 70% sure we should adopt them and 30% waiting for more information to decide. This was surprising to me, to be honest... I really thought that if we were faced with a situation that might be less than perfect that she would be the first person to say that she was opting out.  Instead last night she shared her grief with me because she already loves them so much.  It is truly an amazing transformation from a person who didn't really want children to a woman who couldn't fall asleep before she told me how she was really feeling about all of this.  God is good.  Is her love for them from Him?  I can love any child- I am convinced of that... But is it she is so in love with them-- to CRY (and she isn't a crier!!!)-- because these really are our kiddos?  It really feels like that in many moments and then the logical part of my brain takes over and cautions me to wait and see... wait and get more information... just to wait.

What I keep trying to ask myself is- if we would just say "no" to these kids because we are scared... and potentially avoid a hard situation and major life changes... would i have peace?  The answer keeps being that I would not.  I would not have a peace to walk away right now.  It would not feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.. It would be a grief....and would leave me with many unresolved questions and thoughts.

I looked at pictures of little kids needing homes.. Many were cute... but when I closed the browser and saw the picture of these kids my heart just fluttered.  THESE kids are cute...the cutest.  So I decided not to look at the photolistings any more today... My heart just isn't ready. 

So, another day without much in the way of answers or explanations.

Reminds me of a song I have always loved...and in fact the song that originally lead me to purchase my ticket for Africa.

Magnificent Obsession
By: Steven Curtis Chapman

Lord, You know how much
I want to know so muchIn the way of answers and explanations
I have cried and prayed
And still I seem to stay
In the middle of life’s complications
All this pursuing leaves me feeling like I’m chasing down the wind
But now it’s brought me back to You
And I can see again

This is everything I want
This is everything I need
I want this to be my one consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You, Jesus
Be my magnificent obsession

So capture my heart again
Take me to depths I’ve never been
Into the riches of Your grace and Your mercy
Return me to the cross
And let me be completely lost
In the wonder of the love
That You’ve shown me
Cut through these chains that tie me down to so many lesser things
Let all my dreams fall to the ground
Until this one remains

You are everything I want
You are everything I need
I want You to be my one consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You
I want it all to be for You

You are everything I want
And You are everything I need
Lord, You are all my heart desires
You are everything to me

I just keep reminding myself that this all goes back to God... and His perfect will.  It all goes back to the fact that He has made us who we are and made them who they are... and if it is His perfect will for us to be a family then it will be.  I just pray we are open, receptive, and humble to His calling.  No more chasing down the wind today... Today I will let it rest.