Humbled

I know I have made mention to this in a past post but adoption is humbling.  It is also scary, hard, unpredictable, lovely, and worth it.

I finally said the words out loud the other day...I thought being a mom would be so much more FUN!  I always dreamed of having a couple of kiddos in tow.  I always knew I would adopt so each kid looked a little different in my mind's eye.  I was prepared for the questions.  I was prepared for the non-traditional family.  I was prepared to raise a little one that someone else just couldn't.

I was not prepared for feeling like I don't know how to parent!  I wasn't prepared for every one of my positive reinforcement models to fail. I wasn't prepared for having to be so very strict or authoritarian.  I thought I was ready...I thought.

As you read this your mind might be jumping to thoughts like:  Oh, her kids must have some really bad behaviors!  Or, yikes, she really wasn't ready... Or hmmm, wonder where she went wrong.

Let me clarify.  My kids are wonderful and are experiencing things that all kids experience.  They test boundaries and limits.  They push our buttons.  They tell little lies.  They manipulate.  They are normal little kids!  What I find the hardest is finding a discipline model that works for them.

On any given day our kids swing back and forth in their maturity.  One day they seem pretty close to their chronological age, and others they regress back to maybe 4 and 5.  It makes finding a good system particularly difficult.

My kids are used to (in prior homes) getting spanked and yelled at. They are used to having punishments.  They do not respond well (yet! I'm holding out hope!) to positive reinforcement, praise, and rewards!  They respond best- if at all- to discipline.  This takes many different forms depending on the day and depending on the emotional needs of our kids on that given day.

If my son does not pay attention in school and gets "strikes" then he might get extra homework.
If my daughter does not finish her work at school, she has to do it at home and does not have any "fun" time at night.

If my children lie they have to pay restitution to the person they lied to (as advised from our therapist) by doing their chores for the day... especially stinky yucky chores like cleaning up kitty litter or cleaning toilets.

We were told to give immediate rewards or consequences as soon as they walked in the door.  Can I just tell you that it feels so YUCKY to greet my child with, "Hi!  How was your day?  Ohhh, again?  Ok, well this is what you will have to do as a consequence....."  My kids don't come home many days without having gotten into a little trouble at school.  My son is restless and never sits still and my daughter never finishes anything because it takes her so long to do everything...

In my pre-kid days I would have looked at a mom who was standing at the door ready to give out rewards or punishments and had such pity on her.... wondering where her love must have gone for her kids. I was so naive!  Now I think about this scene and have nothing by compassion for her.  I wonder what she has tried and has not worked?  I wonder who told her to try this method?  I wonder how many homes her kids might have been in before with different expectations, rules, consequences... It is a different picture.

I still get to have some of the sweet moments of being a mom.... When my kids come and snuggle me and want to cuddle.  When they are fresh from a shower and I get to help them put on lotion or do their hair.  When they delight in my cooking or in some family activity... In those moments my heart soars and pounds and aches with happiness...

In the other moments I question myself and wonder if every mother- adopted or bio- feels this way?  If every mother feels they are not as loving, kind, good, creative, nurturing as they could be.  I wonder if they have solutions?

The problem with our society is that people don't talk about things.  I can't be the first mom to feel this way.  I can't be the first mom to feel my heart harden a little when I have to give consequence after consequence... How much more my heart would soar if I could just reward the good behaviors...but that just doesn't work on my kids (again I say yet!).

I feel myself tense when they come home.  Search their face and try to read what they will tell me.  When I see a face smiling as they get off the bus my heart secretly LEAPs for joy... and when they walk home with a solemn look I just want to run and close the door and not have to face them.  They don't like consequences. I don't like giving consequences, but have very little choice.

It really is hard being a mom.