When Only God Understands

There are some things (ok, many things) in this life that I just don't understand.  My limited human knowledge leaves me wondering about so many things.  Right now I am thinking about death.  That's not how I would prefer to spend my Thursday, but it is weighing so heavily on my heart I can barely breathe.

We have had two friends tell us that their loves ones (a father and a husband) have cancer.  We have been praying and asking God to have mercy on these men and these families. 

All the while our kitty has been getting sicker and sicker.  He has always had some health issues- he has very bad allergies to many foods, other animals, and things in the environment.  He used to be on daily shots of allergy medication until his body could no longer hand this.  He then started getting steroid shots every few months...then monthly.  Over the summer when we left to pick up the kids, our baby Apache almost didn't make it. We had a friend staying here and we thought maybe his health decline was because of anxiety of someone new in our home for that week while we were gone.  Over the last 8 months we have been battling weight issues- he lost way too much and then was able to gain it back.  But his breathing has been very different.  He breathes quicker and sharper than any of our other animals.  We thought this was because of the steroid shot but have now come to realize that it is because he has so much fluid built up in his chest. :(

Tomorrow he will have further tests and they will drain the fluid from his chest.  They will again take an xray and see what they can see.  The Vet isn't very hopeful and used words like thoracic duct rupture, cancer, not sure what will happen.... none of those words brought me hope or comfort....all of them made it hard for me to breathe-  I feel like him, breathing in with effort and exhaling almost painfully-- mine is because of a broken heart and not a broken body :(

I dont know what I will do if he can't get better.  Apache is my baby.  I picked him up when he was just weeks old and cleaned the mites from his ears.  He sleeps on our chests everyday and cuddles us all day and all night.  He is the most special and spirited cat I have ever known.  He is calming, loving, comforting... and I wish I could make him feel better and take away his pain.  I don't know his fate but I know my heart is grieving already.  I can't understand and the only solace I have is to know that God does.  I believe animals go to Heaven... But I just don't want him to go just yet.