I haven't written in awhile. Things are so busy this time of year. When I do have an extra minute, I just haven't made the time to sit in front of my computer to update here.
Last week my daughter and I went to an appointment to discuss a new medication for her. We were talking about a bunch of random things on the way there and home, and the concept of "pretend" came up. If you have read prior posts you know that we struggle with our daughter telling lies sometimes. It seems to be cyclical. She had a hard time and lied around Halloween, then around Thanksgiving.. Now things are back to normal (although, I am wondering if we will see it happen again around Christmas-- some kind of holiday trigger?). We were talking about the difference between lies, imagination, and pretending. It is hard to explain the little nuances to a 9 year old, who is more like 6 emotionally. We talked about how it is ok to pretend to be a princess for the day. It's ok to imagine going to the moon or some fancy princess ball... But that if someone asks if she *really* went, that she would need to answer no...because while it is ok to pretend and use her imagination (in fact, we highly encourage that!), it is not ok to lie. I explained that telling a lie is usually for your own self gain. Maybe trying to get out of a punishment, not wanting to disappoint Mom, not losing rewards, etc. She seemed to really understand the difference.
During the whole conversation I was feeling really guilty about the whole Santa thing because it felt like a giant lie. I am not the "do as I say, not as I do" kind of mom, and it was really making me feel guilty inside. So, the conversation came up naturally. We were talking about why a woman was standing outside of the grocery store and ringing the bell. We talked about how it was to collect donations to help people. She remembered going to a party last year in her Foster Home and seeing Santa Claus and getting to pick a gift. I asked her about Santa. I asked where he lived, what he did, etc. She said, "I don't know Mom." No talk of North Pole or Elves. Here was our conversation:
Me: Honey, that Santa that you saw, was he the real Santa?
S: No, he was a fake.
Me: Oh, so where was the real Santa?
S: Oh, they are all fake.
Me: You mean you don't believe in a real Santa? You think they are all pretend?
S: Yeah.
Me: Who do you think all the presents are from that are marked "SANTA"..?
S: Well, I think someone else comes into your house and puts them there. Not Santa.
Me: You mean like a stranger?
S: Well, I don't really know.
Me: Ok, remember how we were talking about pretend, imagination, and lies? Want me to tell you honestly who they are from and explain so you understand?
S: Ya, Mom, tell me.
Me: You are right. Santa is not a real man. Grown ups like to let kids pretend and use their imagination when they are young... About the magic of Christmas and Santa. But, you are right. There is no real Santa. All those gifts that are marked from Santa-- they are from the kids parents. So, last year your gifts that were marked from Santa were actually from your foster mom!
S: ohhhhhh, ok.
And that was it. No shock. No more questions. She already knew he wasn't real. She already didn't believe in a real Santa. While she didn't really understand all the logistics she knew there was no real Santa. I didn't realize that because she still wanted to leave cookies and milk for him, or would make a little remark here or there. But, when we talked about it she just matter of fact said, Nope, he isn't real.
This was a huge relief to me- no more lies about Santa, a good and naughty list, or making up reasons why she needs to be extra good this time of year. We are free to talk about the real meaning of Christmas-- the baby Jesus.
I imagine she knew because there probably was never a "constant" Santa in her life. I am sure she went some years where she never saw a holiday gift or maybe saw the other kids in the home get gifts, but not her and her brother. It reminds me of the little boy for the Polar Express... He says, "Christmas just doesn't work out for me..." In the end he learns to have faith and believe. That's what I want my kids to learn-- but to believe in God and Love and Family.... That those are gifts of Christmas.
No comments:
Post a Comment