October 4, 2011

Today is Tuesday.  Today it is cloudy and rainy.  Today I am still getting over being sick. Today is going to be a long day. Today is my first day back to work on this new grant cycle.  5 years from today this grant will end... While I am trying not thinking about that today, I am thinking about it...

I can't remember who sings a song that says, "I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know WHO holds my hand..." 

That's how I feel about this chapter in my life.  I feel like there are so many unknowns and things that I don't know how to handle.. I'm just really glad that I have a Heavenly Father who is big enough to take care of all of this! 

Sometimes having kids makes me feel like I am not a grown-up. I know that sounds silly, but sometimes I stop myself and think about things like:

If I didn't take my daughter to the eye doctor and make sure that she wears her patch, she could lose her vision.

If I don't make sure that we attend my son's IEP meetings, he will fall even more behind his hearing peers.

If I don't research insurance options then my kids will be limited in which provider they can see.

If I don't, can't, won't, have not, etc etc... Then it really IMPACTS my children's lives.


We are all guilty of letting little things slide in our lives- maybe not making our beds or having one too many helpings of Hot Tamale candies, but those don't really impact our lives in significant ways (unless out of control!)... But the millions of decisions and duties that come across our emails, phone waves, and desks that we have to handle immediately in relation to our kids is endless!

I assume this is the case because of all of the additional burdens that they have been carrying all of these years... For us to help take those burdens, we better have a Savior big enough to take them on or we WILL falter.

When I start to think about all the things that I cannot control and cannot change that have happened to our kids during their lives, I start to feel depressed and my heart feels heavy. How can I ever make it up to them?  How can I ever help them learn new ways to survive?  But then I have to remember that God didn't ask me to be their cure... that is HIS job... He DID ask me to love them and help them while HE works on curing their hearts and lives. 

So, while I doubt that God will send a Heavenly Secretary down to help schedule all the appointments, make sure the kids are getting what they need, etc... I DO believe that he is in the restoration business and that He will heal their hearts and heal ours in the process. 

 A friend and I talked recently about setting up a support group in our area.  There just aren't any resources for families adopting from foster care-- well there may be some resources, but not any anywhere close to where we live.  Where do people find support?  Where do they feel safe to talk about the giant elephant in the room?  Do we have the tools and resources to help?  So many questions.

I texted my mom this morning and apparently I asked a lot of questions because she said, "WOW, that's a lot of questions"... Guess it is a questioning kind of day.